Reflections

Although I am about sick of hearing this word, reading this word, writing this word, and thinking about this word, I figured I could use it to procrastinate just a bit more. I am looking at the cold, gloomy, overcast day outside the window from the seat of our dining room table for the third day in a row now. However, I am happy to say that this is the first day I feel like I have seen light - but the one at the end of the tunnel.

The process of National Boards has been much more than I thought it would be, and I will say I was expecting the worst from the experience I heard from others. I was prepared for the work, giving up my spring break, and the times required to write, but I was not prepared for all the other stuff. I can honestly say that I have not spent a weekend away from this computer and this room since Christmas vacation - and it is clear I have not been blogging at that time on the computer! However, with months and months of work, the deadline is now just two weeks away. I am only a few pages away from having the papers written, but I not too naive to think that there is still much more work ahead - revising, editing, printing, sorting, packing, etc. I can easily say it has been a challenge - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have thought about this process and the work involved since the day in July when they called to tell me I was accepted to the program. This process has affected every part of my life, in good ways and bad.

This process has truly tested my marriage. Bless my wonderful husband for my mood swings, my tears, my frustration, my complete neglect of cleaning the house and cooking in at least two months, and his patience to understand that I have to lock myself up each weekend to work. I remember calling Matt after my first NB class, telling him that the supervisor said if you were getting married, pregnant, moving, getting a divorce, thinking about any of these things, have a child under the age of 5, or don't have time for a part-time job, then you needed to get up and leave right then. I laughed at the time, but looking back now I know she was right. Along with my immense stubbornness and mentality that I can do anything I put my mind to, there has been the added pressure that I am doing this all on someone else's dime - making failure NOT an option.

This process has truly been a toll on every aspect of my life, including those outside my marriage. I am sad to say it has affected my relationship with Christ, impeding on my concentration in church and with my First Priority group at school. I am sorry to say that we have skipped church several times since the first of the year so I can have an extra 3 hours to write, since when I am at church I can't concentrate, make notes, and tap my foot until Matt tells me to stop. This process has almost taken everything out of me emotionally. I haven't really seen or spent time with my friends since early December, devoting every minute of the weekend to writing and preparing and reflecting. With my weekends devoted to NBs, that means I have had to spend extra hours at school each day. I can't even remember I day I left the school with the sun still out. Many nights the janitor comes to find me when he gets off at 7 to make me go home, refusing to let me be the only person in the building. The added stress and pressure and work have been indescribable. As silly as it sounds, I can't yet think of the day that I will get to take this big box full of 8 month's worth of work to the post office and mail it away without tears appearing. And then even worse - what if the results come back and I didn't pass.....

Along with my amazing husband, the only other thing that has gotten me through this is my support system at school. My coworkers, my teaching partner, and most of all my precious kids. I have to have 2 videos that are 15 minutes in length and must be UNedited and UNinterrupted. Well, the first video took 4 times to shoot, and I still ended up having to use a clip that had an interruption. My kids fussed at all the people that walked in (ignoring my signS on the door) and ruined my video - even the counselor and vice principal! Seeing the faces of all my sweet little ones when I tell them "I'm sending this in" and watching them do their best and check their spelling and grammar and then run to ask me "Will this get you a good grade?" It took me a few moments to compose myself before the last video shooting - one that I had ONE shot at (since along with being stubborn I am also a procrastinator). Before starting the video I was reminding my kids of the video rules - talking quietly in their group so the mic doesn't pick up everyone's noise, no getting up, no sharpening pencils, etc. One of my little girls stood up (in her chair) and said "Come on, guys! Let's do this really good for Mrs. Tanner so she gets an A!" which was followed by a round of applause. My kids have been amazing through this whole time and I know God had a plan when he put each of these kids in my class this year.

Well, I think that is enough reflection time for one day. More updates to come in the weeks ahead - hopefully one the day IT goes in the mail. I just hope ALL the work that went into it can fit in the box.....